Goodbye Western Europe
"Goodbye Western Europe" said the Eurovision Icon Terry Wogan as the United Kingdom finished an impressive Joint Last, with most other Western European countries not that far above us.
Now he was a big supporter of Andy Abraham's UK entry - it was his wildcard vote that got it into the final in Britain - and he even made a comment that he'd have to think whether he wanted to comment on the contest again.
I can't share his enthusiasm for the song which was - - no, it's no good, I've already forgotten - - though Andy Abraham seems a nice bloke, ex-dustman, X-factor finalist and all that.
We here in the UK think that we're some kind of Europower. We remember the glory days of Sandie Shaw and Puppet on a String. The days when the immaculate Katie Boyle solemnly went through all the votes in three languages. The days when every country had a jury which said things like "Here are the votes of the German jury. Spain, one point, L'Espagne, un point - "
Now it's all done by telephone vote and - as I'm sure I said last year - the UK could have the most brilliant song in the history of the whole world ever, but we'll never win again.
We think we're important. But we're not. We're just a tiny bunch of islands off to the left. Nobody likes us, and nobody thinks we matter.
The Baltic votes for the Baltic and the Balkans vote for the Balkans and everyone votes for anyone they think they might need to keep sweet, which is any great big powerful country that happens to be nearby. Which country won, by the way? Oh yes, Russia. Surprise, eh?
And suddenly in the middle, up popped San Marino, giving out votes as if they were a proper country and not - as Emily has just suggested - a country invented entirely for the purposes of adding to the UK's hammering in this contest. "Quick! Let's get it up on Wikipedia and pretend it's real! The Most Serene Republic of San Marino!" And - just to add to our humiliation - it turned up trumps and gave us six points. So we have to be grateful to a country the size of this desk, with a population of three adults, nine children, two donkeys and a hamster, for six of our measly fouteen points.
I should mention in passing that the female host from Belgrade had won the Pan-European Contest for the Most Annoying Voice Ever. Or should have done, anyway. And we all know that, for the purposes of Eurovision, anyone can enter really. "Yes, I know we're just to the right of India, but we're really European, honest. All together now, Bobba Bobba Whee Hi Bobba Bobba Boo. See? We can be in Eurovision!"
Actually, there wasn't enough of that kind of thing. To me, no Eurosong is complete without a bit of it. These days, a lot of people tend to sing in English, which can put them at an advantage in that they're understood by more people. On the other hand it leaves the lyrics of your oeuvre out there, naked and exposed, in all their rubbishiness.
There is always someone out there who'll be there for you.
There is always someone out there who'll be true, true, true - -
Actually, I think that was one of the better ones.
I had a sneaky liking for France, simply because he had a backing group that went Badabooboobaba throughout. And Latvian's jolly pirates had a hi hi ho and a hi hi hay, which is the kind of thing I greatly enjoy.
The embarrassing comments of the representatives from the different countries who give the votes are always good. Hurrah! It's my two minutes of fame! Let's see if I can make it three minutes!
So everyone said how wonderful the hosts were (and they SO weren't) and nobody said "And here in Norway we can't help noticing what an annoying voice you have, dear. Couldn't Belgrade muster anyone else?"
And occasionally they really went to town, like Mr Finland who said,
"Hello everyone in the stadium! Why don't you make some noise for our amazing hosts! You deserve it, guys! Job well done!" I had to watch him from behind the settee and through my fingers. And poor old Bjorn from Sweden seemed to have been at the vodka and was barely capable of any speech at all.
Any songs that I liked? Well, the kitschness of the Latvian pirates, obviously. Sweden and Serbia both turned in good ballads. And I had a sneaking affection for Finland mostly because all the band had long blond hair like my son-in-law Gareth.
But the Russian song, the one that won? White suits and roller-skating. It was rubbish.
Until next year, dear countrymen, in Moscow. Where we'll come bottom. Again.
Now he was a big supporter of Andy Abraham's UK entry - it was his wildcard vote that got it into the final in Britain - and he even made a comment that he'd have to think whether he wanted to comment on the contest again.
I can't share his enthusiasm for the song which was - - no, it's no good, I've already forgotten - - though Andy Abraham seems a nice bloke, ex-dustman, X-factor finalist and all that.
We here in the UK think that we're some kind of Europower. We remember the glory days of Sandie Shaw and Puppet on a String. The days when the immaculate Katie Boyle solemnly went through all the votes in three languages. The days when every country had a jury which said things like "Here are the votes of the German jury. Spain, one point, L'Espagne, un point - "
Now it's all done by telephone vote and - as I'm sure I said last year - the UK could have the most brilliant song in the history of the whole world ever, but we'll never win again.
We think we're important. But we're not. We're just a tiny bunch of islands off to the left. Nobody likes us, and nobody thinks we matter.
The Baltic votes for the Baltic and the Balkans vote for the Balkans and everyone votes for anyone they think they might need to keep sweet, which is any great big powerful country that happens to be nearby. Which country won, by the way? Oh yes, Russia. Surprise, eh?
And suddenly in the middle, up popped San Marino, giving out votes as if they were a proper country and not - as Emily has just suggested - a country invented entirely for the purposes of adding to the UK's hammering in this contest. "Quick! Let's get it up on Wikipedia and pretend it's real! The Most Serene Republic of San Marino!" And - just to add to our humiliation - it turned up trumps and gave us six points. So we have to be grateful to a country the size of this desk, with a population of three adults, nine children, two donkeys and a hamster, for six of our measly fouteen points.
I should mention in passing that the female host from Belgrade had won the Pan-European Contest for the Most Annoying Voice Ever. Or should have done, anyway. And we all know that, for the purposes of Eurovision, anyone can enter really. "Yes, I know we're just to the right of India, but we're really European, honest. All together now, Bobba Bobba Whee Hi Bobba Bobba Boo. See? We can be in Eurovision!"
Actually, there wasn't enough of that kind of thing. To me, no Eurosong is complete without a bit of it. These days, a lot of people tend to sing in English, which can put them at an advantage in that they're understood by more people. On the other hand it leaves the lyrics of your oeuvre out there, naked and exposed, in all their rubbishiness.
There is always someone out there who'll be there for you.
There is always someone out there who'll be true, true, true - -
Actually, I think that was one of the better ones.
I had a sneaky liking for France, simply because he had a backing group that went Badabooboobaba throughout. And Latvian's jolly pirates had a hi hi ho and a hi hi hay, which is the kind of thing I greatly enjoy.
The embarrassing comments of the representatives from the different countries who give the votes are always good. Hurrah! It's my two minutes of fame! Let's see if I can make it three minutes!
So everyone said how wonderful the hosts were (and they SO weren't) and nobody said "And here in Norway we can't help noticing what an annoying voice you have, dear. Couldn't Belgrade muster anyone else?"
And occasionally they really went to town, like Mr Finland who said,
"Hello everyone in the stadium! Why don't you make some noise for our amazing hosts! You deserve it, guys! Job well done!" I had to watch him from behind the settee and through my fingers. And poor old Bjorn from Sweden seemed to have been at the vodka and was barely capable of any speech at all.
Any songs that I liked? Well, the kitschness of the Latvian pirates, obviously. Sweden and Serbia both turned in good ballads. And I had a sneaking affection for Finland mostly because all the band had long blond hair like my son-in-law Gareth.
But the Russian song, the one that won? White suits and roller-skating. It was rubbish.
Until next year, dear countrymen, in Moscow. Where we'll come bottom. Again.
posted by Daphne at 11:19 pm
2 Comments:
What about the bizarre entry from Bosnia-Herzegovina? (The one with the four demented knitting brides and a clothes line, and a man in an ill-fitting suit popping up from a basket of washing.) I can't remember the song, but the performance was engrossing!
It really wouldn't be the same without Terry, would it? They're trumping the chap who co-hosted the semi-finals to host it next year, but for me he's rather characterless after a lifetime of Wogan. I've always loved Eurovision and would hate it not to be broadcast, whether or not we ever win it again. Perhaps with the wonder of modern tinternet technology I could watch it 'from France' next year - Wogan said that Jean-Paul Gaultier, ex-Eurotrash presenter and genuinely brilliant fashion designer, was commentating for les Francais. The lucky bunch! He's just wonderful. And it was he who designed the fab costumes for my last year's favourite, the French, who sang in franglais! It was great - and though most Euro songs are forgettable, as you point out, Daphne, I still put this one on Youtube and dance round the kitchen when I want cheering up. I recommend it. x Rebecca
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