Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Ringing the Changes from Diana to Kate

Yes, dear reader, I missed the last big Royal Wedding, the Charles and Diana one. I was at Blarney Castle in Ireland, kissing the Blarney Stone, at more or less the very moment they were married.

As a brief digression, can I just mention that kissing the Blarney Stone works? A student doctor asked me today - with no sarcasm at all, I might add - "Daphne, how come you know so much about so many things?" I rest my case. Blarney Stone. Works every time.

Anyway, I am expecting to be invited to the next Royal Wedding, which will be when Prince William (son of Charles and Diana, for those who've been living on the Moon) marries Kate Middleton, Commoner, sometime next year.

There are a few things to enjoy about this, if you try not to think about how much it'll cost us all.

Firstly, her parents are called Mike and Carol. Fantastic! Mike and Carol are not swanky Royal-Family Rupert-and-Fiona type names, are they? They are family-holiday-in-a-caravan-near-Rhyll-type names. I love it!

Secondly, my husband Stephen's family's middle name is - tremendously appropriately - Middleton. So of course we're certain to be related and I expect our invitation will be in the post as soon as the date's been announced.

I am of course going to do the proper thing - - which is, of course, to cash in on it as much as possible. I have no scruples and am prepared to sell all my stories about the Royal Couple to the tabloids. The day I stopped Kate from absent-mindedly putting several dozen naked photos of herself on Facebook. That kind of thing. Just send me money. I'll tell you anything you want to hear.

Meanwhile, Prince William, in an effort to get the whole shebang off to a really doomy and dramatic start, has given young Kate his mother Diana's engagement ring.

There are two problems with this. Firstly, it contains a sapphire the size of Birmingham and will be a right old nuisance, catching on everything and making washing-up really tricky.

But secondly - - Princess Diana's engagement ring?

Princess Diana, who was forced to undergo a virginity test before marriage, and who married a man who was very clearly in love with someone else and didn't make much of a secret of it; and who hated just about every moment of her married life, and who died in mysterious circumstances in her mid-thirties. If anything ever symbolised lies and misery, it's that ring.

I expect when Prince William offered it to her, Kate opened her mouth to say, "Shit! Is that what I think it is? Well if that's your Mum's old ring you can get stuffed!"

And then she thought again and said, through gritted teeth, "Oh, how very lovely and touching."

Here in Britain, it's Austerity Corner at the moment. Cuts in everything all over the place. What, I wonder, could distract us from thinking about it all and then blaming the Government?

Oh yes, a Royal Wedding. That'll do it.

6 Comments:

Blogger Yorkshire Pudding said...

Do I detect a soup├žon of uncharacteristic cynicism in this post? I think the only way you will get a wedding invitation is if they ask you to follow the horses with a brush and shovel.

12:42 am  
Blogger Daphne2 said...

I am already looking forward to the day off (if indeed the proposaed Bank holiday is true) and wondering what interesting things we can do on that day - it won't be watching the wedding on TV for sure - a nice walk in the Dales, followed by a picnic, call at a TV- free pub......

6:54 am  
Blogger Jennyta said...

Well, you could say that, as we are indeed in an age of austerity, recycling his mum's engagement ring sets a good example. ;)

1:45 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I thought a weblog called 'My Dad's a Communist' would be a royal-wedding-free zone.
What a disappointment as I had managed to keep the radio and TV off for the last 30 hours.
Lucy
Gorke, I say (or moreover the verify thingy does)

6:05 pm  
Blogger Daphne said...

YP - - Cynical? Moi? No idea what you mean.
Daphne2 - yes, that could indeed be one benefit to everyone who isn't invited. I WILL be invited of course, with my new-found Royal connections. But I promise you that I'll turn the invitation down.
Jennyta - yes, indeed - good idea in principle but if I were Kate I wouldn't be wearing it!
Lucy - - I do apologise. Should I ever write about it again, I will put a warning in the title.

6:49 pm  
Blogger Ailbhe said...

I think the ring is kind of nice. I mean, whatever about the rest, she was his Mum, and she was, apparently, starry-eyed and in love at the moment of engagement, whatever about what happened later. Perhaps they want to give the ring better memories, or something.

8:56 pm  

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