Saturday, January 02, 2010

Pandatronic and Robofish

For millions and millions of years the alligators had been lurking by the side of the water, not changing very much at all, as everything else evolved around them.

"We don't need to change," they said. "We're fine as we are."

But a large black and white life-form which had been evolving like crazy all this time looked at them superciliously.

"You just wait and see," it said. "You're fine now, but I have a hunch that these monkey-like things called human beings are going to take over. And then I'll triumph. Whereas you, sunshine, will be a pair of shoes with matching handbag. Because I've cracked it. I know how to make them care. I look just like one of their babies, only cuter, and with even bigger eyes. They'll do anything to save me."

Yes, here we have it. The panda. This one's been all over the internet but it's still Very Cute Indeed:

Naturalist Chris Packham got into trouble recently for saying that the panda has gone down an evolutionary cul-de-sac, and should be allowed to die out with dignity.

Although I think it would be a shame if it did, I can see his point. Masses of money and resources are put into saving the panda and I'm sure that's at the expense of many other species. And why? Because it's cute, that's why!

Yes, if you're a species that wants to be helped to survive as Mankind goes round trashing the planet, it really helps if you look all cute and cuddly with a flat face like a human baby, and big eyes. The panda's really got it sussed. Notice how it emphasises the size of its eyes with a black ring round them? How cunning is that?

But really - - they're only just keeping a toehold on life. Their diet is not nutritious and deeply boring. They can't even be bothered to have sex half the time. I know that we're trying to help them survive, but it would be good if they put in a bit of effort themselves.

Here, on the other hand, is a new and interesting species - - Robofish!

It's a bit creepy. It's more like a fish than some fish I've met. Probably more intelligent, too - it was apparently designed to help find pollution in the sea.

Apparently goldfish only have an attention span of two seconds and I've sometimes worried idly that they spend their whole lives swimming round thinking "Now what was I - - ? Now what was I - - - ?"

Back to the panda, which is so bored with constantly having to eat tons of dull bamboo shoots that it's lost all its libido. So, my question to you is - - if the panda does die out, would an animatronic one have more fun?


Blogger Silverback said...

Almost human face, big eyes with black rings around them, down an evolutionary cul-de-sac.....until you said Panda, I was thinking Amy Winehouse !

Course the low sex drive bit doesn't fit her either so I guess I was way off base there.

And if they are allowed to die out, what will cop cars be called. Ahhhh you never thought of that, eh ?!

6:52 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oreos, silly!

1:26 am  

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