The Jewellery That Hates Me
Jewellery and me don't get on. Which is a shame, because I love other people's jewellery sometimes and I like to see people wearing jewellery as long as it's not that kind of "I'm really rich and I'm going to show you JUST how rich I am" - type jewellery.
I like real jewellery made of gold and silver and precious stones and I like costume jewellery made of all sorts of things and I like strings of beads and - - well, most types of jewellery really.
But it doesn't like me. It knows I am, at heart, a Russian peasant, like my ancestors. It knows that Jeans and T-shirt is my natural home.
My brother-in-law, who was then working as a silversmith, made my wedding ring which is very simple - strips of yellow gold and white gold altenating. I never had an engagement ring - - I just didn't want one. I thought there were better things to spend the money on and I think I knew even then that jewellery doesn't like me.
Susan, one of the actors I work with, gave me an Art-Deco-type small silver brooch a few years ago and I wear that a lot. And that is the total of my jewellery collection - - at least, that's it for the jewellery that I actually wear.
I used to wear a lot of little metal badges with slogans on, usually ones that I thought were funny. I probably still would, if I saw one that I liked.
I saw a pendant that I liked in - - er - - Sainsbury's, and bought it for an extravagant £6.00. (No, Cartier has never been troubled by my presence).
But it has one of those hooks at the back where you have to press a tiny lever in so that it opens and then hook it onto the chain to fasten it round your neck. How hard can it be?
Well, I found it really, REALLY hard. Even looking in the mirror and with the fastener pulled round to the front I just couldn't see what I was doing. Then, when I finally got it fastened, it was the wrong length - - it was too low, dangling below the V of my top.
So I spent another hundred years or so trying to unfasten it, and then another couple of millennia trying to get it the right length.
And finally, it was in the right place. So I looked in the mirror - - - and it looked all wrong. Why? It just DID. You can take the woman out of the jeans and T-shirt but you can't take the jeans and T-shirt - - - etc.
It only took me about another decade or so to finally unfasten it and stuff it back in the old wooden box where I keep such things.
So I'm afraid that, for this lifetime, that's probably it for the jewellery. I've given it a try, and it hates me. Make-up hates me too, by the way - - the last time I wore any was a small amount of eyeshadow when I got married. That was in 1980.
I bought a pendant-type thing in Italy for one of my colleages: I knew that the colour would go with many of the clothes she wears, and she often wears such kinds of things. I gave it to her: she put it on: it looked great: she was delighted. End of.
Why can other women do this and not me? I feel completely female and feminine - - except when I try to wear jewellery, or make-up. Then I just feel like an idiot.
I like real jewellery made of gold and silver and precious stones and I like costume jewellery made of all sorts of things and I like strings of beads and - - well, most types of jewellery really.
But it doesn't like me. It knows I am, at heart, a Russian peasant, like my ancestors. It knows that Jeans and T-shirt is my natural home.
My brother-in-law, who was then working as a silversmith, made my wedding ring which is very simple - strips of yellow gold and white gold altenating. I never had an engagement ring - - I just didn't want one. I thought there were better things to spend the money on and I think I knew even then that jewellery doesn't like me.
Susan, one of the actors I work with, gave me an Art-Deco-type small silver brooch a few years ago and I wear that a lot. And that is the total of my jewellery collection - - at least, that's it for the jewellery that I actually wear.
I used to wear a lot of little metal badges with slogans on, usually ones that I thought were funny. I probably still would, if I saw one that I liked.
I saw a pendant that I liked in - - er - - Sainsbury's, and bought it for an extravagant £6.00. (No, Cartier has never been troubled by my presence).
But it has one of those hooks at the back where you have to press a tiny lever in so that it opens and then hook it onto the chain to fasten it round your neck. How hard can it be?
Well, I found it really, REALLY hard. Even looking in the mirror and with the fastener pulled round to the front I just couldn't see what I was doing. Then, when I finally got it fastened, it was the wrong length - - it was too low, dangling below the V of my top.
So I spent another hundred years or so trying to unfasten it, and then another couple of millennia trying to get it the right length.
And finally, it was in the right place. So I looked in the mirror - - - and it looked all wrong. Why? It just DID. You can take the woman out of the jeans and T-shirt but you can't take the jeans and T-shirt - - - etc.
It only took me about another decade or so to finally unfasten it and stuff it back in the old wooden box where I keep such things.
So I'm afraid that, for this lifetime, that's probably it for the jewellery. I've given it a try, and it hates me. Make-up hates me too, by the way - - the last time I wore any was a small amount of eyeshadow when I got married. That was in 1980.
I bought a pendant-type thing in Italy for one of my colleages: I knew that the colour would go with many of the clothes she wears, and she often wears such kinds of things. I gave it to her: she put it on: it looked great: she was delighted. End of.
Why can other women do this and not me? I feel completely female and feminine - - except when I try to wear jewellery, or make-up. Then I just feel like an idiot.
posted by Daphne at 5:43 pm
4 Comments:
It's not just jewellery though. I told you those stiletto wellies weren't appropriate for the garden and when I gave you that bottle of Channel No.5, you just threw the lot all over yourself - like it was tap water.
Oh wait, it WAS tap water.
Which school did you go to Daphne? The word "colleague" has a "u" in it! Regarding the fastening of necklaces - this is what husbands are for as they nibble your earlobe from behind and whisper "Je t'aime" in a husky Frenchified accent. Perhaps a belly-button stud is in order. Try H.Samuels.
I like jewels. Makeup, not so much. I think I have a lipstick somewhere....maybe.
Silverback - - I LIKE water and have a natural affinity with it, okay? Half woman half mermaid. I like water and it likes me. Unlike jewellery, which doesn't.
YP - I just throw in the occasional typo out of kindness to keep you on your toes spelling-wise now you're retired. As for necklace-fastening husband - he was at work so not about!
Debby - I'm glad you don't like makeup much either!
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