Sunday, July 19, 2009

Squashed by a Comet

Last night, a comet fell to Earth and landed on teenager Gary Boggins, killing him instantly.

Actually, it didn't, and it's been a bad day for Gary as I invented him and killed him off in one sentence.

However, here are extracts from the newspaper reports:

"Gary was a very average pupil," said Lydia Dustbin, (46) Head Teacher of Cleckmanthorpe High, where Gary was in Year Eleven. "Actually, I am having a bit of a problem trying to work out who he was - - oh, hey, wait a moment! Not THAT Gary? Ye Gods, I'm glad we've got shut of him at last!"

"To be honest," said Benedict Carter, (38) Gary's form teacher, "I think we'll all be glad that he's no longer with us. Bloody annoying little pest. Not even annoying in an interesting way - he wasn't creative enough for that. The kind of kid who was always blowing bits of chewed-up paper through his pen. I felt a quiet surge of joy as I crossed him off the register this morning."

"Yeah, he were all right," said Gary's friend Wayne Higgins, (15). "Bit selfish, mind. Always nicking my stuff and never giving it back."

"I'm a bit cut up about it," said Gary's mother, Annette Curtain, (32). "Mind you, I'm glad it weren't our Jimmy - he's the clever one. Or our Michelle. Or our Jade. Or our Brian. Or little Melanie."

"I attended the scene this morning," said PC Arthur Mow, "and I think it's fair to say that, by all accounts, Gary was someone who only a mother could love. Even she didn't seem too keen, mind - said she'll be glad of the extra space."

- - - No, you'd never get a report like that, would you? Because when someone dies in a tragic accident, the thing we do is concentrate on their warm wonderfulness. The reporters round up family and friends to say how great they were, how unselfish, how much they did for others, how funny they were, how popular they were, how much money they'd raised for charity - - and I'm wondering why.

Is it done out of politeness, because when someone dies like that there isn't much to say? Out of a wish to make the family feel better? Just because it's traditional, and our convention, that we do that? The old taboo "Don't speak ill of the dead" is as strong today as it ever was, it seems. Even writing the above I felt uneasy, as though it's wrong. "Don't speak ill of the dead" must be very strongly ingrained in us all, I think.


Anonymous Gery said...

Ok before NASA contact you about this, if it didn't fall on me, who the hell did it fall on ?

I'm beginning to think you work in the media and it was ALL a fib to get readers to your blog.

Shame on you.

5:52 pm  
Anonymous ruth said...

I didn't know Gary Boggins was dead. What a horrible way to get the news. And all those terrible things people said about him... I'm heart broken... hang on, no, I'm thinking of Barry Gobbins. Now he's a really gorgeous lad.

7:13 pm  
Blogger Kippers Dickie said...

You didn't tell us how old PC Arthur Mow was?
You mustn't miss out important details when reporting on these serious events! :)

7:17 pm  
Blogger Daphne said...

Gary - you are Very Naughty. And I know where you live.
Ruth - don't mix up your Gary with your Barry. Gary Boggins was a no-good lowlife. Barry Gobbins, on the other hand - - delightful, as you say.
Bernard - Arthur chose not to give his age, though I've noticed that all policemen are getting younger.

10:54 pm  
Anonymous Gary Boggins said...

(Cue spooky music) Daphneeee! Daphneee! It's meeee.... Garyyy! You have dissed me in thy blog, leaving out my higher qualities and achievements....For this I will haunt you foreveeeeeer! Oooooooooo!

1:13 am  
Blogger Debby said...

Hmmm don't ask me anything about Den's dad then! I have NO problem speaking evil of that dead guy.

2:30 am  

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