My Bid To Conquer Space
I've always been interested in space travel so was very pleased to learn that, for the first time in more than ten years, the European Space Agency is looking for recruits. They're expecting 50,000 applicants and choosing four. Better odds than the chances of winning the X-factor, I'm sure, anyway - and you don't even have to sing! Must be worth a try.
So I'm thinking of applying to be an astronaut, and thought I'd see how many of the criteria I meet.
Age: Between 27 and 37, apparently. So I'm possibly a teensy bit too old. But I often play younger than my own age in medical roleplay so I don't think it's too much of a problem. I'll just say I'm 36. That usually works with medical students.
Scientific Ability: You need a degree (Yes, I've got one!) and it must be in engineering, science, medicine or maths. Well, I think they'll have to forget that. My degree's in English and any little notices around the spacecraft will have the correct spelling and punctuation if I'm on board. These things are important. It does say you have to be able to speak English though, so I score 100% on that one. Apparently speaking Russian is an advantage, but come on, sod that, I'll just speak loudly and clearly in English to any passing Russians. Oh, it helps if you're a qualified pilot, apparently. Which I'm not. But I have a driving licence with three points on it for speeding, so I think that shows I could go a bit faster if necessary. How hard can it be to drive a rocket?
Patience: "Every astronaut must embody patience itself".
The selection process lasts a year, and then basic training lasts eighteen months, and then there's advanced training of two years.
I think I may fall down on this a bit. I'm not very good at waiting and seeing. Three minutes of "wait and see" is about my limit. I think they'll have to alter the training programme for me. Apparently you have to learn how to do bits of plumbing and electrics but I think I'll leave that sort of thing to the blokes. There's a place for feminism, and this isn't it. And I'm not going to park it when it lands, either, since you ask.
Bravery: What, you mean I might die? Oh, come on. They'll just have to make it safer then, won't they? Duane Ross, manager for astronaut selection and training at NASA, says "But we don't want daredevils, people who will want to take unnecessary risks." Quite right too. I'm certain I wouldn't take any unnecessary risks. I'd just sit quietly and catch up on my reading till we got to the Moon or wherever.
Teamwork: I'm not bad at this, honest. And I'll always make the tea. I'll probably bring the biscuits and Jaffa Cakes too. I don't mind doing the ironing, either, if there's some decent telly to watch.
Prepared for Strange Lifestyle: I think my lifestyle's pretty strange anyway, compared to some. I work with actors. And medical students. Apparently astronauts have to pace themselves and work a forty-hour week which is far less than I ever do. I think I'll be fine.
Psychologically Sound: Of course I am! How dare you? - - - Well, apart from being a bit claustrophobic. In fact quite a lot. I think they'll need to make the spaceships bigger to accommodate me. With trees and plants and suchlike. A swimming pool would be good.
My Extra Plus Points: And I have the added bonus that I have a memorable name, like Buzz, and not a boring one, like Neil, which would be a good thing publicity-wise. And I'm quite easy to get on with, unless you're really annoying.
I think I'm in with quite a good chance, on balance. I'm going to download the application form.
So I'm thinking of applying to be an astronaut, and thought I'd see how many of the criteria I meet.
Age: Between 27 and 37, apparently. So I'm possibly a teensy bit too old. But I often play younger than my own age in medical roleplay so I don't think it's too much of a problem. I'll just say I'm 36. That usually works with medical students.
Scientific Ability: You need a degree (Yes, I've got one!) and it must be in engineering, science, medicine or maths. Well, I think they'll have to forget that. My degree's in English and any little notices around the spacecraft will have the correct spelling and punctuation if I'm on board. These things are important. It does say you have to be able to speak English though, so I score 100% on that one. Apparently speaking Russian is an advantage, but come on, sod that, I'll just speak loudly and clearly in English to any passing Russians. Oh, it helps if you're a qualified pilot, apparently. Which I'm not. But I have a driving licence with three points on it for speeding, so I think that shows I could go a bit faster if necessary. How hard can it be to drive a rocket?
Patience: "Every astronaut must embody patience itself".
The selection process lasts a year, and then basic training lasts eighteen months, and then there's advanced training of two years.
I think I may fall down on this a bit. I'm not very good at waiting and seeing. Three minutes of "wait and see" is about my limit. I think they'll have to alter the training programme for me. Apparently you have to learn how to do bits of plumbing and electrics but I think I'll leave that sort of thing to the blokes. There's a place for feminism, and this isn't it. And I'm not going to park it when it lands, either, since you ask.
Bravery: What, you mean I might die? Oh, come on. They'll just have to make it safer then, won't they? Duane Ross, manager for astronaut selection and training at NASA, says "But we don't want daredevils, people who will want to take unnecessary risks." Quite right too. I'm certain I wouldn't take any unnecessary risks. I'd just sit quietly and catch up on my reading till we got to the Moon or wherever.
Teamwork: I'm not bad at this, honest. And I'll always make the tea. I'll probably bring the biscuits and Jaffa Cakes too. I don't mind doing the ironing, either, if there's some decent telly to watch.
Prepared for Strange Lifestyle: I think my lifestyle's pretty strange anyway, compared to some. I work with actors. And medical students. Apparently astronauts have to pace themselves and work a forty-hour week which is far less than I ever do. I think I'll be fine.
Psychologically Sound: Of course I am! How dare you? - - - Well, apart from being a bit claustrophobic. In fact quite a lot. I think they'll need to make the spaceships bigger to accommodate me. With trees and plants and suchlike. A swimming pool would be good.
My Extra Plus Points: And I have the added bonus that I have a memorable name, like Buzz, and not a boring one, like Neil, which would be a good thing publicity-wise. And I'm quite easy to get on with, unless you're really annoying.
I think I'm in with quite a good chance, on balance. I'm going to download the application form.
posted by Daphne at 5:51 pm
4 Comments:
I reckon the job's in the bag, Daphne. if you need a reference, let me know. But I'm not coming with you. i like my feet on terra firma.:)
Jenny, is that Welsh for 'my husband's warm back' ??
(toned down as this is a family site)
Give me the completed form and I'll personally pop it in for you, Daffy. I have some clout with those nice folks at NASA.
I've heard they're looking for someone who can do a good bacon sannie in zero gravity and is a dab hand at darning spacesuits.
Ian
Didn't you learn latin at your school, Ian? ;)As this is, as you say, a family site, I couldn't possibly divulge the true meaning...
And the bonus is, Daphne, that if *you* say you've been to the moon, I'll believe you. Whereas I'm (being a conspiracy theorist) still a little swayed by all that Neil Armstrong-was-he-there-surely-the-photos-were-faked-up-by-NASA-due-to-Cold-War-celestial-imperialism school of thought... Rebecca x
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