Are You All Right There?

I start the Communication Skills work again soon and thought I'd better acquire some new clothes so as to look respectable in front of medical students.

So off I went to town - very bravely, I thought, as I hate the city centre at any time but particularly on a Saturday morning.

Anyway, I found much of what I was looking for, which included two jumpers.

It wasn't easy, mind. Some of the jumpers currently on sale have short sleeves. Now then, what use is THAT? Why do I wear a jumper? To keep warm. What does a jumper have to keep me warm? Yes, long sleeves.

These are also jumpers - - oh, okay, I suppose they're cardigans - that don't fasten at the front. You put them on like a cardigan. But, in general, I'd expect any sort of cardigan-type garment to have either buttons or a zip. The buttons or zip draw the two sides together, thus covering your front and keeping you warm.

But - aha! Cunning plan by the jumper-sellers! These garments, lacking buttons or a zip, don't keep you completely warm, and neither do the short-sleeve jumpers. They only keep you a bit warmer than you were in your summer garb of hotpants and bikini (well, that's what I've been wearing since April, I don't know what you've been wearing of course). So these jumpers are only warm enough for Autumn.

Once we get really really cold weather, we will all have to go to town AGAIN and buy a jumper or a cardigan that fastens at the front, to keep out the howling wind and the snow. See? They have effectively doubled their jumper-selling opportunities.

Furthermore, when queuing to buy said items, I learned a whole new shop-assistant phrase.

They would finish serving the previous customer, or arranging their social life on Facebook, or similar - - and then look up, and this is what they said.

"Are you all right there?"

And this, dear reader, is Shopassistantspeak for "May I help you?" They said it to me in three different shops, so I know.

I am not sure what the answer is supposed to be. I thought of several options:

a) "Yes, I'm fine, thank you so much for asking, it's lovely to have your concern".

b) "Am I all right here? Well, yes. The temperature's okay and this bit of carpet's quite comfortable to stand on. Just as well, really, since I've been here for quite a while now."

c) "Well, the past few years have been tough - my Dad was ill for two years before he died and he was in and out of hospital. My mother has dementia but it's not too bad yet. However, I'm coming to terms with everything slowly - I wouldn't say I'm all right, but I'm getting there."

Sadly, what I actually said was, weakly, "Well, I'd like to buy this, please." On each occasion this seemed a little bit of a surprise to the shop assistant, but she coped and struggled bravely through apparently unexpected events such as putting it in a bag and working the card machine.

Anyway, dear readers, I don't like this phrase "Are you all right there?" because it doesn't make any sense in the context that they say it in, and it's deeply annoying. I should prefer a return to "May I help you?"

So could I please enlist your help to bring this change about? If any shop assistant says it to you, I should like you to go straight for option 3, above.

Let us have a little rehearsal. The answer to "Are you all right there?" should be, initially, "Oh God. Oh no." Put your head in your hands. Rock backwards and forwards a bit. Then go into your monologue. "No, no, I'm not all right, not here, not anywhere else. Let me tell you about it. It's just unbearable. Unbearable. I'll start at the beginning - - "

That'll teach 'em. They'll think twice before saying THAT again. Let us bring about a return to "Good morning, madam. May I help you?"

Yes, it's slow progress, I know. One tiny thing at a time. But I'm hoping we can make Britain great again, one day.