Saturday, January 01, 2011

In the Bleak Midwinter

Okay, I'll admit it, I hate this time of year. At least it's not New Year's Eve any more - - but New Year's Day is nearly as bad.

I think one reason is because I don't know how to behave at this time. Usually, I work, and I define myself through that - - - I'm Daphne the actors' agent, or Daphne the simulated patient, or Daphne the teacher.

I actually think that's wrong, and not a good thing to do - - but I've always done it, really, ever since I was Daphne the Swotty Schoolgirl, and I'm not sure how else to be.

I think I was fine in Tenby at Christmas, because I know who I am there, and it's Daphne Who Swims.

At the moment I'm trying to do my tax - I know that New Year's Day is perhaps not the best time, but there isn't really going to be any other time, because next week work starts again. My accountant has been pestering me to do it since last May but I really haven't had a chunk of several free days together to turn my attention to it - - well, unless I'd done it whilst away on holiday! (and the holidays were, of course, one of the best things this year!)

Because I'm self-employed and work for about eight different employers, it's all very fiddly. And then I have to find stuff to set against it and I hate doing that so much that I'm sure I never claim enough and end up paying too much tax, just because eventually I can't be bothered.

I never did like New Year but of recent years I have hated it more with every passing year. Many thanks to David who came round last night so at least my party-loving mother could feel there'd been a BIT of a party!

I don't seem able to focus on the good things that have happened in the past year - and yes, there have been plenty, yes I know, PLENTY! - but just on the bad ones, which seem to have tumbled on our heads like rocks ever since the Communist got ill in the summer of 2007.

I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself and move on, and count my blessings, and I know that there are people who are a lot worse off than I am: I do know that.

Olli compared me jokingly - but with a large hint of truth - to the mother of a friend of his: "Her favourite carol is In the Bleak Midwinter because it contains the words Bleak and Midwinter". (I didn't like to mention that it's my favourite, too.)

A while ago, my GP told me to treat myself gently because such a lot of things have happened that are very hard to deal with. I'm not sure how to do that - - usually I'm just "Go on, throw it at me, I can deal with it". But today I've had enough, and I'm having a little wallow in self-pity, and I don't like that, either.

Please bear with me. Tomorrow I'll feel a bit better. Next week I'll be back at work. And now I'm going back to the flaming tax.

Thank you for reading my blog: I wish you all a very Happy New Year.

4 Comments:

Blogger Jennyta said...

I don't suppose anything I can say will make you feel any better, Daphne but it's OK to have 'down' days and you have that underlying strength to call on in the long term. You're just taking 'the scenic route.' :)

5:35 pm  
Anonymous Milo said...

Happy New Year! It's natural having those ups and downs, I get them too. Here's hoping for all of us that 2011 is a better year!

8:09 pm  
Blogger Yorkshire Pudding said...

Just make sure you get those tax returns right as the nation needs your money to pay for MPs' expenses and policing of The Royal Wedding. Happy 2011!

1:47 am  
Anonymous Ruth said...

Sometimes it's important to wallow. The positive busy person can be the one who is ignoring and/or not dealing or coming to terms with the emotionally difficult stuff.

Share the wallow. It's healthy and, if ever you need/want to talk, you know how to get hold of me.

9:55 am  

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