Friday, May 07, 2010

The First General Election that The Communist Missed

The Communist would have cared passionately, of course. He'd have been in front of the television all night, shouting at the screen.

This is the first General Election he's missed of course, and it's only being dead that's made him miss it. Nothing else would have stopped him and actually all last night I could feel him at my shoulder willing me to get involved.

But I didn't. I didn't watch any of the television coverage. I did go and vote, though. I know that in lots of places, the queues were so long that the polls closed before some people could vote. When I turned up at the polling station, however, quite early in the morning, there was just me and the Tory candidate, a blond floppy-haired thing with the kind of face I want to slap.

Now then, the Communist would have definitely disapproved of that last sentence. He didn't believe in personalities, he believed in policies. But sometimes, you have to use your instinct. Sometimes I meet someone and I just know they're great. And sometimes I meet someone and my instinct is to slap them, and I'm old enough to trust my instinct.

Anyway, I didn't make eye contact with Mr Floppy Hair. Last time we met was about five years ago when he was campaigning locally and I couldn't resist joining in. "Look, sonny, you're too young to remember Thatcher's Britain. You'll grow out of all this Tory nonsense when you get a bit older, I expect." I don't think he liked me.

So off he went, yesterday, leaving just me and my piece of paper and my pencil.

Now then, I think I'm going to redesign the ballot paper when I'm in charge. That X doesn't have enough words to express what I feel.

When I'm in charge, there'll be three categories when you vote. As well as choosing the party you choose one of these qualifiying statement:

1) Because they're wonderful and I believe they'll carry out all their fantastic promises.

2) Because they're the best of a bad bunch.

3) Because I think they're crap and they've done a rubbish job in the past but sadly I fear that the other bastards would be even worse.

And then, when the result is announced, it would have the qualifying statement attached to it. So you'd get results like this:

"And so the Purple Party Candidate is elected. The voters would like to add that they believe the Purple Party to be crap, and they've done a rubbish job in the past, but sadly the voters fear that the other bastards would be even worse."

And that would take the smarmy ones down a peg or two.

Anyway, I voted Labour but my ballot paper didn't have the crucial number 3 clause, above, so Gordon Brown will never know how much I disapprove of him, so much so that I nearly voted Lib Dem.

I was pleased that the odious Nick Griffin and his Thug Party didn't get any seats though. You have to consider that Nick Griffin is the very, very best that the BNP can offer. The acceptable, cuddly, stunningly clever, astoundingly witty face of the Thug Party. And have you listened to Nick Griffin for even thirty seconds? - - Yes, precisely. (That's me for the gas chambers if they do get to power, then).

My claim to fame at this election is that I very nearly know someone who very nearly might have become an MP.

Olli and Gareth's friend Tom Scott was a candidate in the constituency of Westminster, as Mad Cap'n Tom the Pirate.

He got 88 votes. I'd have voted for him. He was recently on a team on the excellent and highly entertaining television quiz show Only Connect and they got to the semi-final.

More than this, he once got five Gold Runs on that great television show Blockbusters.

Now then, he's the calibre of person needed to run this country. Everyone else is just a politician.


Blogger Yorkshire Pudding said...

"...the Tory candidate, a blond floppy-haired thing with the kind of face I want to slap." Are you trying to say that his face looked like an arse?

1:28 am  
Blogger rhymeswithplague said...

Here across the pond the law is that anyone who is in line (translation: on queue) at poll-closing time is allowed to vote. The officials take them all inside and lock the doors so that latecomers can't add themselves on, and the election will continue until all present have voted.

I also commented on YP's blog about your country's antiquated voting method of paper and pencil.

But, still, I'm somewhat of an Anglophile. Maybe it's your history that I love, not so much your present day.

12:51 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant... and then when they stood up to speak in The House, their mark in the 1,2,3 categories would be displayed in the form of a barchart - then we would all know how their constituents rated them.

9:28 pm  

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