Wintry Olympics

I'm quite partial to watching the Winter Olympics. There's something soothing about watching a load of blokes hurling themselves off the top of a mountain on a pair of skis and swooshing all the way to the bottom. Especially when the scenery is very pretty - as it is here - and it looks very cold, and I'm in my nice warm living room with a Chinese takeaway.

"It's an accident waiting to happen!" said the commentator, displaying great insight - yup, this lark of hurtling down an icy slope at a hundred miles an hour can really be a bit tricky if it all goes wrong.

I've never been skiing. My body has always known it just can't do it, sadly. Even watching it makes my knees hurt. I have a lousy sense of balance. I'm sure it's great fun once you can do it but all that falling over in the snow - which can really be quite cold, you know - just doesn't appeal.

Lots of people go skiing for the social life too - - the apres-ski as I think they call it. Because I don't drink and hate being in a large group of people that doesn't appeal to me either.

Oh yes, and there's another form of apres-ski which - I have it on good authority but can say no more - can be particularly rewarding if you're a male skiing instructor. But no, that wouldn't be my reason for a skiing holiday either.

Anyway, I'd like to see a bit more creativity brought into the Winter Olympics. Sport for people who don't like going down slippy things very very fast.

International Snowman Building Competition. A timed sport - - you have an hour and can compete in one of several categories. Solo Height Snowman. Team Height Snowman. Solo Creative Snowman. Team Creative Snowman. That kind of thing.

How about Footprints in the Snow? Each international team of four is given a patch of virgin snow of a certain size (I said virgin snow! You've gone back to thinking about the skiing instructors again) and an hour to make the best set of footprints - - but there mustn't be any other footprints round about - - a bit like corn circles, but in the snow.

I won't be taking part. Too cold. I do like the basic component of snow, though. After it's been melted and then heated to about thirty degrees Centigrade.

So I'm waiting for the Olympic Sport of Bobbing About in the Breakers at the Edge of the Adriatic Sea on a Hot Summer's Day. I was pretty good at it, last August, and I could be really dedicated: I'd be prepared to put in the effort and I hope you'll all support me.