Monday, May 18, 2009

Tales from the Hospital

Gareth seems to have his sights set on completing a Medical Tour of Yorkshire. Since having his appendix out in York slightly over a week ago, he's paid a fleeting visit to the emergency doctor ("no, we can't treat that infected wound here, you'll have to go to A and E").

Then, of course, Leeds General Infirmary A and E where they re-dressed the wound and sent him home again.

Finally, and most excitingly, St James's Hospital, Leeds, at 3am on Sunday morning, just to add a bit of drama and style to everything, because the wound was really - - well, I won't tell you in detail in case you're eating when you read this.

And there he remains, in Jimmy's as it's known, on an antibiotic drip, but now, thankfully, feeling rather better.

At Accident and Emergency in the middle of the night, the receptionist was less than awake and, Gareth and Stephen feared, less than the sharpest tack in the box even at her best. Stephen suggested that she might, at some point previously, have had an intellectomy.

They watched with interest as a procession of injured people turned up at the desk with bits of their bodies hanging off or sticking out at odd angles.

The receptionist greeted them warmly.

"NAME?"

Okay, perhaps not very warmly.

Many of them appeared to find this rather tricky, what with it being the middle of the night, and them having bits of their bodies hanging off or sticking out at odd angles.

Eventually they'd stumble through some kind of answer to "NAME?" so she'd make the next one harder.

"DATE OF BIRTH?"

This one generally took some time to answer and occasionally an arm or leg detached itself and landed on the floor with a blood-stained thump as they attempted it. However, most of them got there eventually.

So she followed it up with the killer question:

"ETHNIC GROUP?"

I am proud to say that most people answered this with my old roleplay standby: "Like 'ow d'you mean?" A few went for my other standby: "Yerwha'?"

(One of our actors insists that you can do any kind of medical roleplay by just repeating these two phrases in whatever order you like. It's not quite true, but he does have a point).

However, one admirable person answered "ETHNIC GROUP?" with a resounding "NO!" which I thought was a particularly sound response.

And once Gareth had been admitted to a ward, a doctor finally appeared, clutching a file. He looked at the file. He looked at Gareth. He looked at the file. He looked at Gareth. He left the room without saying a word and only then did Gareth hear him shout down the corridor,

"Will somebody please explain to me why this gentleman has been referred to Gynaecology?"

12 Comments:

Blogger Silverback said...

......and then there was a pregnant pause I suppose ???!!!

Sorry.

I hope a coven of lawyers are at this moment preparing papers to sue the asses (and Cayman Island 2nd homes) off the surgeon and his crew from York Hospital who set this lot in motion with their keyhole botch job ???

Glad he's getting better despite them.

11:57 pm  
Blogger Yorkshire Pudding said...

Ethnic group? I hope he said Yorkshire! Failing that, given the history of Nordic invasions, he might have said "Viking". I guess they wouldn't have had either in their fancy online database.

12:04 am  
Blogger Katherine said...

Oh my gosh - a horror story! Poor Gareth!
'Fun and frolics in A&E'
or 'Carry on up the Doctor' ?

Ditto Ian's last comment.

12:08 am  
Blogger Silverback said...

Ok if that was a typo, Katherine, it was a gem !!!

"Carry On UP The Doctor".

Excellent. Ohh Err Missus.

12:12 am  
Blogger Jennyta said...

Ignore Silverback, Katherine - mind of a sewer! ;)
Daphne, the more I hear from 'victims' of the modern NHS, the more my heart sinks. I had to laugh at the 'ethnic group' bit of your post but really, I do hope Gareth is at last in line for some decent treatment.
(You have to wonder if there are forces at work to get rid of the NHS simply by making it unuseable!)

9:34 am  
Blogger Dizzy said...

AHEM! My dear Yorkshire Pudding, Gareth is a Lancastrian by birth! (albeit of mixed Celtic and Nordic blood)
What amazes me is how Gareth can be so relentlessly cheerful through all of this. He's just simply too pleasant to everyone.
Daphne, I do love catching glimpses of the real world of our offspring. Thank you for looking after him for us all.

11:23 am  
Blogger Kim said...

If I was drinking tea I would have spat it out all over my screen at the
"Will somebody please explain to me why this gentleman has been referred to Gynaecology?"
and yeah someone needs to be taken to court over all of this, but I suppose it is a good story for the grankids

XxX

2:18 pm  
Blogger Helen said...

Jesus, you have got to wonder, sometimes! Gynaecology, my arse. And when they ask Ethnic Group, makes you want to answer something like "The Jackson Five", or perhaps "Enya"?

2:39 pm  
Blogger Tempewytch said...

*snerk*, the subject matter is upsetting, but the story is something you expect to see on TV.

But by everything you hold holy I home someone/s get their butts seriously sued!

3:58 pm  
Anonymous Jo said...

If you've got a law suit and you know it clap you hands!!!

4:31 pm  
Blogger Daphne said...

Great comments, everyone, thank you! "Carry on Up the Doctor" is the best film they never made. And a very warm welcome to those of you who haven't left comments before!

8:47 pm  
Blogger Debby said...

I've been grilling Ian for updates. Glad he's feeling a bit better. Hope he gets home infection free soon!

3:52 am  

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