Tales from the Hospital

Gareth seems to have his sights set on completing a Medical Tour of Yorkshire. Since having his appendix out in York slightly over a week ago, he's paid a fleeting visit to the emergency doctor ("no, we can't treat that infected wound here, you'll have to go to A and E").

Then, of course, Leeds General Infirmary A and E where they re-dressed the wound and sent him home again.

Finally, and most excitingly, St James's Hospital, Leeds, at 3am on Sunday morning, just to add a bit of drama and style to everything, because the wound was really - - well, I won't tell you in detail in case you're eating when you read this.

And there he remains, in Jimmy's as it's known, on an antibiotic drip, but now, thankfully, feeling rather better.

At Accident and Emergency in the middle of the night, the receptionist was less than awake and, Gareth and Stephen feared, less than the sharpest tack in the box even at her best. Stephen suggested that she might, at some point previously, have had an intellectomy.

They watched with interest as a procession of injured people turned up at the desk with bits of their bodies hanging off or sticking out at odd angles.

The receptionist greeted them warmly.

"NAME?"

Okay, perhaps not very warmly.

Many of them appeared to find this rather tricky, what with it being the middle of the night, and them having bits of their bodies hanging off or sticking out at odd angles.

Eventually they'd stumble through some kind of answer to "NAME?" so she'd make the next one harder.

"DATE OF BIRTH?"

This one generally took some time to answer and occasionally an arm or leg detached itself and landed on the floor with a blood-stained thump as they attempted it. However, most of them got there eventually.

So she followed it up with the killer question:

"ETHNIC GROUP?"

I am proud to say that most people answered this with my old roleplay standby: "Like 'ow d'you mean?" A few went for my other standby: "Yerwha'?"

(One of our actors insists that you can do any kind of medical roleplay by just repeating these two phrases in whatever order you like. It's not quite true, but he does have a point).

However, one admirable person answered "ETHNIC GROUP?" with a resounding "NO!" which I thought was a particularly sound response.

And once Gareth had been admitted to a ward, a doctor finally appeared, clutching a file. He looked at the file. He looked at Gareth. He looked at the file. He looked at Gareth. He left the room without saying a word and only then did Gareth hear him shout down the corridor,

"Will somebody please explain to me why this gentleman has been referred to Gynaecology?"