Cafe Language Preserved
I love cafes, especially friendly, unpretentious ones that do good coffee and perhaps a home-made scone to go with it.
Some cafes, however, epitomise the worst kind of British - or perhaps English, I'm not sure - pompousness. This was the kind of cafe I visited yesterday. Notices everywhere:
That kind of thing makes me want to put the plug IN the basin and turn all taps ON as I leave the building.
There were others:
Waitress Service. Customers Should Wait Here to be Seated
(The place is nearly empty and there are fifteen tables free so why I can't sit where I like I don't know, but as soon as I move towards a table a waitress rather insistently directs me towards another one)
and
For the Benefit of our Customers Mobile Phones must be Switched Off
(and am I not one of your customers?)
and
For the Benefit of All Our Customers Switch Your Phone Off and Relax
(I'll be tense if I jolly well want to, thank you)
Now, actually, I don't like it when people do that "I'm on the train" thing, usually at top volume and usually boasting about what a great deal they've got on something-or-other. But has it not occurred to the owners of this cafe that I might be sitting in their cafe while waiting for a phone call? Or that, if the phone rang, I might have courtesy enough to wander out and take my call elsewhere? But these notices just make me want to ring EVERYONE I KNOW and tell them I'm in a CAFE with lots of POMPOUS NOTICES.
So by then I knew that the menu would be written in that strange form of English known - to me, anyway - as Cafe Language. And it was. Cafe Language has things like "freshly made sandwiches" (oh no! I wanted the stale ones) and lots of "topped with delicious - " (I'll decide if it's delicious, thank you)
And then you look for the scone and you just know before you find it that it will come with butter and PRESERVE. What, you may ask, is preserve? - - Well, it's self-important jam for pompous people, isn't it?
By now I know what the heading will be on the back of the menu and it will be BEVERAGES.
Does the word beverage exist at all outside cafe language? Have you ever had a friend round to your house and asked them if they'd like a beverage? No, you haven't. It's a ridiculous word designed to give a pot of tea for two a lot of ill-deserved status. "Very bay window, very cut glass" as my friend Connie (age 85 and knows a thing or two) would say.
Yes, yes I know. There are more important things to rant about. I should switch off my mobile phone and relax. Or perhaps go out and get beveraged.
Some cafes, however, epitomise the worst kind of British - or perhaps English, I'm not sure - pompousness. This was the kind of cafe I visited yesterday. Notices everywhere:
That kind of thing makes me want to put the plug IN the basin and turn all taps ON as I leave the building.
There were others:
Waitress Service. Customers Should Wait Here to be Seated
(The place is nearly empty and there are fifteen tables free so why I can't sit where I like I don't know, but as soon as I move towards a table a waitress rather insistently directs me towards another one)
and
For the Benefit of our Customers Mobile Phones must be Switched Off
(and am I not one of your customers?)
and
For the Benefit of All Our Customers Switch Your Phone Off and Relax
(I'll be tense if I jolly well want to, thank you)
Now, actually, I don't like it when people do that "I'm on the train" thing, usually at top volume and usually boasting about what a great deal they've got on something-or-other. But has it not occurred to the owners of this cafe that I might be sitting in their cafe while waiting for a phone call? Or that, if the phone rang, I might have courtesy enough to wander out and take my call elsewhere? But these notices just make me want to ring EVERYONE I KNOW and tell them I'm in a CAFE with lots of POMPOUS NOTICES.
So by then I knew that the menu would be written in that strange form of English known - to me, anyway - as Cafe Language. And it was. Cafe Language has things like "freshly made sandwiches" (oh no! I wanted the stale ones) and lots of "topped with delicious - " (I'll decide if it's delicious, thank you)
And then you look for the scone and you just know before you find it that it will come with butter and PRESERVE. What, you may ask, is preserve? - - Well, it's self-important jam for pompous people, isn't it?
By now I know what the heading will be on the back of the menu and it will be BEVERAGES.
Does the word beverage exist at all outside cafe language? Have you ever had a friend round to your house and asked them if they'd like a beverage? No, you haven't. It's a ridiculous word designed to give a pot of tea for two a lot of ill-deserved status. "Very bay window, very cut glass" as my friend Connie (age 85 and knows a thing or two) would say.
Yes, yes I know. There are more important things to rant about. I should switch off my mobile phone and relax. Or perhaps go out and get beveraged.
posted by Daphne at 3:36 pm
1 Comments:
Well, I do offer friends a refreshing and invigorating beverage, sometimes... I'm whimsical like that.
But yers, telling yer customers what to do is Not On. British hotels used to be notorious for it. Notes from a Small Island was particularly damning.
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