A Warm Colchester Welcome

This is a true story that happened today, about an hour and a half ago.

One of our jobs is to book bed and breakfast accommodation for our actors, as from time to time they work all over the country on a big corporate contract.

Two of them were booked for tonight into a bed and breakfast in Colchester. I did think of giving the town a pseudonym but hey, it was COLCHESTER.

The first hint that there was a problem was that one of our actors rang me.
"Have you used that bed and breakfast before?"
"Yes, I think so, why?"
"Well, I rang for directions and a man answered the phone and all he would say was Mrs Brandon isn't available at the moment. He wouldn't say anything else."
"What, nothing at all?"
"No."
"I'll ring and see what he says to me."

Before I did that, I rang the other actor, who, it turned out, was in his car outside the bed and breakfast, and had been there for the past hour and a quarter. Nobody would answer the phone or the door.

I rang the bed and breakfast. A man's voice answered with the name of the bed and breakfast.
"Hello," I said, "we have two people booked in to stay with you tonight, and one of them is waiting outside in his car, but nobody's answering the door."

His voice was cold, emotionless and very, very creepy. He sounded like Hal, the computer in 2001 - A Space Odyssey.

"Mrs Brandon isn't available at the moment."

"Well, could you let him in, perhaps?"

"Mrs Brandon isn't available at the moment."

"He's waiting outside and has been for over an hour. Can you tell me when she'll be back?"

"Mrs Brandon isn't available at the moment."

"Have you another phone number for her?"

"No. Mrs Brandon isn't available at the moment. You'll have to wait."

"Are you indeed operating as a bed and breakfast at all tonight?"

"It's nothing to do with me. You'll have to take that up with Mrs Brandon."

I finally lost it.

"Well, I would, but I gather she isn't available at the moment. So I'll have to book somewhere else. Then I'll ring the Tourist Information and get them to blacklist you. Goodbye."

His voice was so scary that I nearly called the police to see if he had in fact murdered Mrs Brandon and was standing over her body with a bloodstained axe. I'm not exaggerating: that was what it sounded like.

I found another bed and breakfast in Colchester and booked both the actors into it.
Later, there came a furious message on our answerphone - how could I frighten their son by threatening to blacklist them?

So now I feel a tiny bit guilty - their son certainly didn't sound particularly young, so perhaps there's something wrong with him which causes him to sound like an insane axe-murderer. But then again, if that's the case, why on earth had they left him in charge of answering the phone?