Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I haven't blogged for a while because I've been really busy. That's strange, because it's summer, and you'd think it would be quieter.

And in some ways it is: there's not much roleplay and no teaching going on for me at the moment. But there is still plenty to do in the actors' agency - I do all the financial things these days - - invoices, payments, receipts - and they've all still been going on.

On Saturday Stephen, Silverback and I are setting off on a two-week trip to France and Spain.

I'm looking forward to it of course - but I'm also anxious about it, I always am. I'm sick of feeling anxious.

I worry about everything: I worry constantly: I worry about things that are worrying and I'd guess I worry about things that are not.

I do know, however, that this legacy of worry was caused by things in my past that varied from the slightly worrying to the absolutely horrific. But why can't I damn well get over it and put it all behind me? I think I've just got used to being anxious. I wake up every day with a little core of anxiety gnawing away at me. Often I wake up thinking "Ohhh nooooo!" and I am not quite sure, for a while, what it's about.

After a while - usually a while spent throwing myself into work - I feel better. But often, if I try to relax, back comes the worry - - and so I tend to keep working.

It's not all needless worry, oh no. My mother, for example, has early dementia. However that goes, it won't be good - - and yet, worrying about it doesn't help - - but I do.

There are other things: I am not going to go on about them now.

And I booby-trap myself: if I have a lovely, carefree day on holiday, I will undoubtedly pay for it with terrible, guilty dreams at night.

There do seem to be some people who just aren't natural worriers. I sometimes wish I was one of them. Though I can't ever imagine it.


Blogger Yorkshire Pudding said...

Sounds like you need a good holiday Daphne. Posts on your Italian trip last year were filled with delight and I suspect that this summer trip will also be energising(!). I trust your mother will be well cared for while you are away. Don't beat yourself up. Relax. Life doesn't have to be heavy.

11:45 pm  
Blogger rhymeswithplague said...

I do not mean to make light of what you said, but it just struck me as humorous that you said your mother has early dementia...what is she, 86 or 87? The first stages, maybe, but it's certainly not early!


2:41 am  
Anonymous Ruth said...

I don't want to worry you but...

...I need to talk to you before you go away x

8:53 am  
Blogger The Birdwatcher said...

I know how you feel. I worry and hate the mornings. I wake early and often will feel sick with worry about something. Like you say doing things helps. Have a good holiday and don't worry.

6:10 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone worries at night that’s the way the mind works out problems and plans for the next day. The brain can only think of one thing at a time. If you got big worries they block out the little worries. You will always worry.
These super maths or chess kids probably wake at three in the morning in panic because they just realised that their latest theory or gambit is flawed. Once they get domestic responsibilities of their own lives the brain moves on to worry about those; so the kids lose their super abilities.
I think that the trick is to get something in your own life that you really care about and enjoy so you can really worry about that at night and it stops the nasties creeping back in. Maybe will the lake be too cold for swimming thing, or how am I going to get that dissertation finished in only three weeks.

8:01 am  
Blogger Daphne said...

Thanks for your comments, everyone - YP, well one of the problems is that my mother's going to stay with her brother - - but they haven't told me when yet, so I'm worrying about it!
Bob - I see your point! - well I meant that the dementia's not very advanced, not that she's incredibly young to get it!
Birdwatcher - - ah, you're a kindred spirit, certainly!
Anonymous - you're talking a lot of sense, thank you!

9:09 am  

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