Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dracula's Daughter On the Telephone

Our office doesn't open until ten and therefore I didn't need to answer the phone when it rang at twenty past nine - - but I thought oh, well, it might be something important.

It wasn't. It was Romanian Woman.

Not that I've got anything against Romanian Women in general. Just against this one, really. She was one of those people who just does not pause long enough for you to get a word in - - and yet you know you'd feel bad if you slammed down the phone.

RW: "Hello, I got your number from the book because I really need someone to manage me. I am from Romania, you see, and I have written three books and I want them to be published in Britain and so I am looking for an agent - "

ME: "Can I just stop you - - "

RW: "So I come to Britain and I am working very very hard and I want my books to be published so I am ringing all the agents there are but nobody wants to do their job and read my three books. They all say they don't want unsolicited manuscripts but"

ME: "We only represent - - "

RW: "surely it's just doing their job to read manuscripts? That's what their job is. I send them my manuscript, I ring them up, I argue with them, I say I just come to Britain and I work very very hard and they should read my manuscript because it is their JOB, don't you agree?"

ME: "I'm afraid I can't - -"

RW: "And I have these three books and I know that they are excellent but nobody wants to publish them but they haven't even read them yet. Not even reading them! Telling me they don't want them without even reading them, that's terrible, isn't it?"

ME: "We only represent - - "

RW: "So I find your number in the book and I think they will be able to help me to publish my three books, they are really good and all I need is someone to help me and so that is why I am ringing you as I think you'll be able to help me"

ME: (rather loudly) "ACTORS!! We only represent ACTORS! You need a literary agent! You're a WRITER! Not an ACTOR!"

RW: "So you can't help me to publish my books? They are very good - -"

ME: "NO. NO. I'M SORRY BUT WE CAN'T HELP YOU. YOU NEED A LITERARY AGENT. WE ONLY REPRESENT ACTORS."

Romanian Woman paused for nearly a whole second. Then she continued.

RW: "Do you represent children, then? Let me tell you about my daughter. She's a very special kid, she is gymnastics champion and I think she'd make a very good actor."

ME: "Nosorrywedon'trepresentchildrenIwishyouallthebestandsorrywecan'thelpinanywaygoodbye".

Next time when the phone rings at twenty past nine I will put my fingers in my ears and continue eating my breakfast.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Milo said...

LOL, great story! You do have a knack for telling them.

6:12 pm  
Blogger Silverback said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:14 pm  
Blogger Silverback said...

Now THAT'S an eating trick I'd like to see sometime !

You do seem to attract these nutters but you give them longer on the phone than I would.

Being Eastern European, she probably felt the empathy. Either that or Roy and Hayley passed on your number !

6:17 pm  
OpenID bigyellowtaxi said...

I laughed so hard I nearly made coffee come down my nose!

6:57 pm  
Blogger rhymeswithplague said...

How funny! Your post filled my daily-laugh-need requirement.

So do you represent child actors or only experienced ones who are not also gymnastics champions?

9:10 pm  
Blogger Yorkshire Pudding said...

Telephone calls! I was woken from my slumbers tis morning - not by a human being but by a voice recording from "Talk Talk". I couldn't even interrupt and say - I have a question or Do you realise I am a fireman who just finished his nightshift after fighting a massive blaze at the local hospital? Perhaps you could have told that Romamian woman that you had a vacancy for a lavatory attendant. It's probably where her writing belongs anyway.

10:17 pm  
Blogger Debby said...

I find it's good to do that sometimes no matter what hour it's 20 past....

12:51 am  

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