Hot Stuff at Bedtime
On the worst day for travelling in I don't know how long, where did Stephen travel to? Helsinki, that's where.
And where did his luggage travel to? Paris. Obviously.
He was supposed to be going via Amsterdam but Leeds Bradford Airport was lacking the ability to put planes in the air, because of white stuff on the ground, and so Stephen had to get a taxi to Manchester, and then a plane to Paris, and then another one to Helsinki.
The luggage liked the look of Paris so stayed put for a bit. It has caught up with him now but the case is badly torn and will have to be replaced. My little red case, awwwww! It's been to Paris before, with me, so presumably that's why it wanted to stay there, and it's also been with me to America (I've been to America, you know, oh yes).
So Stephen got to Helsinki - it's a work trip - at half past eleven rather than half past four. But that's enough about him! For goodness' sake! My suffering was far greater, I can tell you. And now I'm going to.
It was cold last night, as one or two of you in Blighty might have noticed. So, what with Stephen being in Helsinki and failing in his duties as a human hot water bottle, I decided to get the hot water bottle and fill it with hot water. Okay so far?
But the last person who had put the stopper in the hot water bottle was Stephen, not me. And although I am pretty strong, (for a girly, obviously), he had tightened the stopper so much that I could not untighten it again. Now if there's a hole in the stopper top it's possible to get a long prongy thing and use some of the laws of physics to spin round the stopper and open it. I know this from many years of trying to open hot water bottles.
This particular hot water bottle had no hole in the stopper top. I could not open it in any way.
So I hunted round for another hot water bottle and finally found two, and they looked absolutely fine.
So I filled one with hot water and put it in one side of the bed. Hurrah.
Then, when I had done all the things have to be done before going to bed (such as feeding the geckos and the Giant African Land Snails, and putting the cat in the kitchen) I pulled back the duvet to climb into bed.
The hot water bottle had leaked and that side of the bed was sopping wet.
So I muttered one or two descriptive words and and hurled the hot water bottle into the bin, and then tried the next hot water bottle, which looked fine, and I screwed up the top really tightly, and turned it upside down and shook it, and it was fine.
So, I thought, I'll sleep in the other side of the bed. It was now about ten to one in the morning. So I put the bottle in the bed and went and switched all the lights off and brushed my teeth and pulled back the duvet on THAT side of the bed.
The hot water bottle had leaked and that side of the bed was also sopping wet.
"Oh dear," I said politely, "that's really rather annoying." (I may have paraphrased a bit here).
So I hurled the next hot water bottle into the bin and took all the bedding off the bed and put some of it in the washing machine and put it on to wash, and left the mattress bare so it could dry, and made up the bed in the spare room, and turned the heating up a bit as I now didn't have a hot water bottle, and went to bed, and it was now half past one.
That's all really. I just wanted you to understand my suffering and feel my pain.
Stop laughing, now.
And where did his luggage travel to? Paris. Obviously.
He was supposed to be going via Amsterdam but Leeds Bradford Airport was lacking the ability to put planes in the air, because of white stuff on the ground, and so Stephen had to get a taxi to Manchester, and then a plane to Paris, and then another one to Helsinki.
The luggage liked the look of Paris so stayed put for a bit. It has caught up with him now but the case is badly torn and will have to be replaced. My little red case, awwwww! It's been to Paris before, with me, so presumably that's why it wanted to stay there, and it's also been with me to America (I've been to America, you know, oh yes).
So Stephen got to Helsinki - it's a work trip - at half past eleven rather than half past four. But that's enough about him! For goodness' sake! My suffering was far greater, I can tell you. And now I'm going to.
It was cold last night, as one or two of you in Blighty might have noticed. So, what with Stephen being in Helsinki and failing in his duties as a human hot water bottle, I decided to get the hot water bottle and fill it with hot water. Okay so far?
But the last person who had put the stopper in the hot water bottle was Stephen, not me. And although I am pretty strong, (for a girly, obviously), he had tightened the stopper so much that I could not untighten it again. Now if there's a hole in the stopper top it's possible to get a long prongy thing and use some of the laws of physics to spin round the stopper and open it. I know this from many years of trying to open hot water bottles.
This particular hot water bottle had no hole in the stopper top. I could not open it in any way.
So I hunted round for another hot water bottle and finally found two, and they looked absolutely fine.
So I filled one with hot water and put it in one side of the bed. Hurrah.
Then, when I had done all the things have to be done before going to bed (such as feeding the geckos and the Giant African Land Snails, and putting the cat in the kitchen) I pulled back the duvet to climb into bed.
The hot water bottle had leaked and that side of the bed was sopping wet.
So I muttered one or two descriptive words and and hurled the hot water bottle into the bin, and then tried the next hot water bottle, which looked fine, and I screwed up the top really tightly, and turned it upside down and shook it, and it was fine.
So, I thought, I'll sleep in the other side of the bed. It was now about ten to one in the morning. So I put the bottle in the bed and went and switched all the lights off and brushed my teeth and pulled back the duvet on THAT side of the bed.
The hot water bottle had leaked and that side of the bed was also sopping wet.
"Oh dear," I said politely, "that's really rather annoying." (I may have paraphrased a bit here).
So I hurled the next hot water bottle into the bin and took all the bedding off the bed and put some of it in the washing machine and put it on to wash, and left the mattress bare so it could dry, and made up the bed in the spare room, and turned the heating up a bit as I now didn't have a hot water bottle, and went to bed, and it was now half past one.
That's all really. I just wanted you to understand my suffering and feel my pain.
Stop laughing, now.
posted by Daphne at 5:35 pm
10 Comments:
Like Silverback you do have a way of telling them!
Couldn't stop laughing by the end but I'm absolutely sure it wasn't funny at the time! TWO leaking hot water bottles on the coldest night of the year when home alone is NOT fun! Glad you saw the funny side in the end and it sure made great blogging material! :D
Daphne,
You don't need to make up intricate excuses. Everyone knows that as we grow older bladder control is, well, shall we say less secure. A rubberised undersheet may help in case of any future "accidents".
Mr Pudding
I recommend an electric blanket. If you don't own one, buy one before your next snowstorm/missing husband emergency. But do not not use it in combination with a leaky water bottle.
TWO leaking hot water bottles - what are the chances! I know what you mean about men being an excellent means of warming the bed, though. I always make sure Keith goes to bed first. ;)
I tried hard not to laugh at your unfortunate experience, but failed! A leaking hot water bottle is a dampening experience that most of us have suffered at some time, but twice in one night???? I’ve got a few old bottles in my airing cupboard that have not been used for a long time (I keep them as “spares”) but I think I’ll now have to check them carefully.
I felt sorry for your old hot water bottles, ending up in the bin like that, but at least they can keep each other company on their way to the rubbish dump!
Donno what you're complaining about. People pay fortunes for a water bed and you got one for free !
I tried sleeping with a sheet over me last night but it was just too hot.
(God I'm gonna pay for all this soon)
Milo: thank you, I agree that Silverback can certainly tell a tale!
YP: I was going to give this post the title Daphne Wets the Bed but I thought no, I'll keep it nice and tasteful and you have Lowered the Tone.
RWP: Yes, I may be forced to invest in an electric blanket if we're going to have winters again.
Jennyta: this is one occasion where truth is stranger than fiction - exactly, what are the chances?
Jill: chuck those "spares" in the bin. If my misfortunes can bring happiness - or at least dryness - to others I shall feel it was not in vain.
Silverback: As usual I am inspired by your positive outlook and now understand how very lucky I was: I am proud of my new waterbed.
Hi Daphne.
I checked my spare hot water bottles this morning, and while there were no holes in them, the rubber was definitely starting to perish. I’ve taken your advice and just thrown all three in the dustbin.
Had I not read your blog goodness knows how long I would have left them there. I’ve decided not to hang on to old bottles in future. Although I love hot water bottles, and I’m sorry to see them go, the dustbin seems to be the only place for them.
Jill.
I think coffee just shot out of my nose!
Wheaty bags!
Post a Comment
<< Home