If You Can't Use the Sink

I love notices, as you may know by now. I found Gareth’s masking-tape design on my parents’ door most appealing.

But today, somewhere in England, I was working in a place that seemed to think it was part of the set of Ricky Gervais's comedy The Office.

“Help yourselves to tea or coffee,” we were told.

Above the sink in the little kitchen was a notice.

IF YOU CAN’T USE THE SINK
THEN DON’T MAKE A DRINK!

That’s the kind of trying-to-make-a-point-with-humour little rhyme that sets my teeth on edge.

Then, in the ladies’ loo, I was confronted with the full horror of the two below:

The bottom one (no, no, I’m not making a joke, I promise) was bad enough – here it is in case you can’t read my photograph:

IF YOU SPRINKLE WHEN YOU TINKLE
PLEASE BE NEAT AND WIPE THE SEAT

The forced humour! The coyness! I am embarrassed that I am in the same universe as this rhyme. But the one above it is even worse. Put your hands over your eyes before you read it:

PLEASE BE MINDFUL
WHEN USING THE LOO
THAT YOUR COLLEAGUES ALSO
USE IT TOO!

DO NOT LEAVE THEM
IN A FIX, WITH NO LOO
ROLL TO WIPE THEIR
BITS!

POP ON ANOTHER – IT
ONLY TAKES TWO
TICKS!

Who wrote it? And what did they think? That it was funny? Or witty? Or what? It doesn’t rhyme properly. (“Fix”, “Bits” and “Ticks” don’t rhyme. At all.) It’s not set out properly (if we’re assuming it’s a rhyming verse, then “With” should start a new line). It thinks that adding an exclamation mark to everything is a good idea. It uses that vile word “pop”, so reminiscent of “Now then dear, just pop up on this bed and let’s have a little look at your tummy”.


But again, it’s the arch isn’t-this-funny-it’s-nearly-rude coyness I can’t stand. It makes my toes curl and it makes me want to hit things very hard.