Evolution or Intelligent Design

Just before Christmas is upon us, I'd like to clear up a troubling issue which seems to be in the news a lot: i.e. Evolution versus Intelligent Design.

And the winner is: EVOLUTION.

And why? It's because of duvet covers and washing machines.

You will, if you ever do any washing in a washing machine, have discovered that if you put a duvet cover in the machine with any other items - towels, pillowcases, stray socks, bright red underwear - whatever else happens, whatever colour it all ends up, however clean it is and whatever programme you wash it on: EVERYTHING ELSE ENDS UP INSIDE THE DUVET COVER.

How stupid and how deeply annoying is that? Because our washing machine is in the cellar and hence I don't want the clean washing to end up on the Victorian stone floor, I can either contort myself into all sorts of ridiculous shapes to try to extract the errant washing, or I can trail all the way upstairs to sort it out before trailing downstairs into the cellar again to dry it all.

If there were a God of Intelligent Design - which there jolly well isn't, I'm telling you - the washing would all come out separately, and probably folded.

So it's Evolution. Because Evolution doesn't care. Evolution just brings about things that are useful, such as eyes, and doesn't bother getting rid of things that aren't, such as male nipples and wasps.

And as long as cursing while extricating a lone sock from a duvet cover doesn't actually cause death, Evolution will leave the Laws of Washing Machines exactly as they are, in spite of the best efforts of Mr Dyson and his ilk.

That's it, that's cleared that one up. We can all go back to fighting our way round festive supermarkets now.