Contains Swearing
This piece is about swearing and as such will contain lots of examples. So if you are offended by swearing, please don’t read on.
I love swearing, and this is often a surprise to people as, being a grammar school girl and all, I seem to radiate Respectability without quite knowing how, or wanting to.
The best swear words are the ones with a good, explosive sound. Bastard! Cunt! Bollocks! Many of them come from Anglo-Saxon: Latinate swearing is never so good. Fuck is of course the best, with its slow start and then the climactic “ck” at the end. The Latin equivalent, Copulate, has never caught on as a swear word.
I don’t like that coy, fake swearing that for some reason people think is more acceptable than the real thing – Chuffing hell! Naff off! We know what you mean, and you meant Fucking Hell and Fuck Off.
I don’t like coy euphemisms either. “I don’t mind fuck, but I don’t like the c-word” someone said to a friend of mine.
We know what you meant, and you meant Cunt. So, having reminded us of its existence, why can’t you say it properly? Will you turn into a pumpkin or something?
Newspapers do it too. Still, in 2006! They think if they put st*rs instead of v*w*ls then we won’t be offended by the word sh*t, whereas, in fact, I’m offended by the fact that they think I’m such a c*nt as to be so easily offended.
Swearing has two purposes, I think. Firstly, to express anger. A good burst of swearing is a good first stage before getting to throwing things: and might help us never to get to the throwing things stage.
“Damn Damn Damn Damn Shit Tits and Bugger!” a friend of mine once memorably exclaimed.
That’s the second purpose: swearing is great for comic effect. Yes, my friend was angry, but the outburst above made us all laugh. The Sunshine Boys were right when they said “words with k in are funny” and “fucking” neatly placed in a sentence can be very funny indeed.
There are some uses of swearing that I don’t like, though. The first is when people just insert a swear word every other word, because they think it makes them seem cool, or just because of lack of vocabulary, or because they want to shock, or because they’ve just got used to speaking like that and no longer know why they do it.
“I went down the fucking supermarket and bought some fucking washing-up liquid and then I went to the fucking café and bought a cup of fucking coffee.”
That’s just boring.
I don’t like swearing AT people generally, either. When I was teaching – and I taught in some seriously rough schools! - no student ever told me to fuck off, because I would probably have committed murder on the spot, and I guess they sensed it.
I really don’t like it when small children swear. I have been watching Supernanny on television and it’s really sad to see how the children parrot the phrases they have heard the adults say: “Fuck off you fat bitch”, “You’re a cunt” or even “Talk to the hand” with an appropriate gesture. Though I did find it amusing when one child paused for a while to try to find the worst words he could muster, and then rather cautiously came out with “Fart-face”. But in generally, when you hear children swearing at other people with words they don’t understand, it shows the sad atmosphere of conflict that surrounds them for much of their lives.
One of our favourite childhood jokes was to ask someone to repeat:
“I chased a bug ay-round a tree.”
Of course they said,
“I chased a bug around a tree.”
Then we could leap up and down going “Ooh! You said bugger! You said bugger!”
That’s about the level of swearing that children should be at.
My current favourite swearing phrase is on a site full of Latin (and cod-Latin) phrases:
FUTUE TE ET IPSUM CABALLUM
which means
FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU CAME ON
Even saying it in Latin is great:
“Hello, I’m ringing from Bodgit Kitchens Direct - - “
“Futue Te et Ipsum Caballum.”
“Errr - - ?”
“Futue Te et Ipsum Caballum.”
“Errr - - Goodbye.”
Say nothing else. It works a treat.
Swear in anger: swear for comic effect: but swear sparingly and well. It’s too good to waste.
I love swearing, and this is often a surprise to people as, being a grammar school girl and all, I seem to radiate Respectability without quite knowing how, or wanting to.
The best swear words are the ones with a good, explosive sound. Bastard! Cunt! Bollocks! Many of them come from Anglo-Saxon: Latinate swearing is never so good. Fuck is of course the best, with its slow start and then the climactic “ck” at the end. The Latin equivalent, Copulate, has never caught on as a swear word.
I don’t like that coy, fake swearing that for some reason people think is more acceptable than the real thing – Chuffing hell! Naff off! We know what you mean, and you meant Fucking Hell and Fuck Off.
I don’t like coy euphemisms either. “I don’t mind fuck, but I don’t like the c-word” someone said to a friend of mine.
We know what you meant, and you meant Cunt. So, having reminded us of its existence, why can’t you say it properly? Will you turn into a pumpkin or something?
Newspapers do it too. Still, in 2006! They think if they put st*rs instead of v*w*ls then we won’t be offended by the word sh*t, whereas, in fact, I’m offended by the fact that they think I’m such a c*nt as to be so easily offended.
Swearing has two purposes, I think. Firstly, to express anger. A good burst of swearing is a good first stage before getting to throwing things: and might help us never to get to the throwing things stage.
“Damn Damn Damn Damn Shit Tits and Bugger!” a friend of mine once memorably exclaimed.
That’s the second purpose: swearing is great for comic effect. Yes, my friend was angry, but the outburst above made us all laugh. The Sunshine Boys were right when they said “words with k in are funny” and “fucking” neatly placed in a sentence can be very funny indeed.
There are some uses of swearing that I don’t like, though. The first is when people just insert a swear word every other word, because they think it makes them seem cool, or just because of lack of vocabulary, or because they want to shock, or because they’ve just got used to speaking like that and no longer know why they do it.
“I went down the fucking supermarket and bought some fucking washing-up liquid and then I went to the fucking café and bought a cup of fucking coffee.”
That’s just boring.
I don’t like swearing AT people generally, either. When I was teaching – and I taught in some seriously rough schools! - no student ever told me to fuck off, because I would probably have committed murder on the spot, and I guess they sensed it.
I really don’t like it when small children swear. I have been watching Supernanny on television and it’s really sad to see how the children parrot the phrases they have heard the adults say: “Fuck off you fat bitch”, “You’re a cunt” or even “Talk to the hand” with an appropriate gesture. Though I did find it amusing when one child paused for a while to try to find the worst words he could muster, and then rather cautiously came out with “Fart-face”. But in generally, when you hear children swearing at other people with words they don’t understand, it shows the sad atmosphere of conflict that surrounds them for much of their lives.
One of our favourite childhood jokes was to ask someone to repeat:
“I chased a bug ay-round a tree.”
Of course they said,
“I chased a bug around a tree.”
Then we could leap up and down going “Ooh! You said bugger! You said bugger!”
That’s about the level of swearing that children should be at.
My current favourite swearing phrase is on a site full of Latin (and cod-Latin) phrases:
FUTUE TE ET IPSUM CABALLUM
which means
FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU CAME ON
Even saying it in Latin is great:
“Hello, I’m ringing from Bodgit Kitchens Direct - - “
“Futue Te et Ipsum Caballum.”
“Errr - - ?”
“Futue Te et Ipsum Caballum.”
“Errr - - Goodbye.”
Say nothing else. It works a treat.
Swear in anger: swear for comic effect: but swear sparingly and well. It’s too good to waste.
posted by Daphne at 6:45 pm
4 Comments:
Isn't odd though that the two stongest words are one of the nicest places and one of the best things to do.
Away and boil your head, as they say North of the Border, is fair enough, but Go Fuck yourself, is something, if we could, i'm sure we'd be doing a plenty without having to be told.
Somehow calling someone a Big Bowl of Vanilla Ice Cream [something else I'm partial to, doesn't quite hold the same enigmatic force.
oops, I forgot this ] and you can't edit the comments, damn.
Thank you for the bracket, John, I guess you remember that both myself and my mother read the comments.
People who get all sniffy about the "language" (please, I'm a linguistics student, I'd rather like you to be more specific) of post-pubescent people ought to certainly away and boil their heads.
Parents who make a big fuss about their teens swearing often have adolescents who are violent, smoke, drink and sleep around too much; it's an example of letting petty, useless grievances take precedent over the feelings of their children, and those are the results. The children often think "Fine, I won't bother talking to them at all."
This kind of person is often a) deluded enough to think that nice, innocent language is enough to describe the world, and b) ill-educated historically. The Normans turned many Saxon words into profanities simply because they were conquerors, and the language of the inferior conquered must be obscene. Preserve our English heritage from those lily-livered continental bastards who couldn't cook a steak to save their own fucking lives. /rant.
Heh. My mother doesn't like swearing or insults. She forbade us to call each other "pig" or "cow" as children, because animals are basically nice and it's not fair to compare them to horrible humans.
The same thoughtfulness means I don't use body-swearing much. I prefer blasphemy, or madey uppey things.
A nice mild swear is "fuzzy wuzzy fizzbags." It has a good roll to it. And "trollocs" is good - more bitten mouthfeel than "bollocks" and refers to something genuinely repulsive, rather than useful but unaesthetic.
"Curses swears and blast" is another common one in our family.
And Rob and I are partial to the insult "fuckwit". It's very descriptive.
I've also found great solace in the little ditty that goes "Fuck you, shit for brains. I hope you die alone in pain," in times of very great stress.
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