Burgundy in the Spring - - and Robson Green in the Metro Centre

This is the cottage where we'll be staying - not in Paris, but in rural Burgundy - and we'll have a day trip to Paris during the week.

The cottage belongs to my old friend Graham Battye and his wife Christine - they live nearby. It all looks delightful - have a look at their website.

I'm not good at being without my email but, if my laptop's 3G card doesn't work, I gather I can look at my email at the local Tourist Information centre.

In beautiful Northumberland last summer, I had an infuriating conversation with the hotel owner, which went like this:

Is there somewhere nearby where I can check my email, such as an internet cafe?

- Oh, no, you don't want to be doing that, she said.

Well, yes, I do, actually, I like to check my email even when I'm on holiday.

- Oh, no, you don't want to be doing that. You're supposed to be relaxing on holiday.

Actually, I like to keep in touch with people on holiday. Is there an internet cafe? Or a library, perhaps?

- Oh no, you don't want to be doing that. Just send them a postcard. You're supposed to be on holiday.

(Oh well, deep breath)

And sometimes I need to because of my job.

(I knew this was a mistake as soon as I said it)

Oh no, you don't want to be doing that. You want to forget all about your job while you're on holiday.

Actually, I don't, because I enjoy my job.

- So what's your job, then?

Well - - I work with actors - -

- Oooh, ACTORS! Do you know Robson Green then?

(Please, please let a large asteroid fall on Northumberland right now)

No, I don't, actually.

- Well I do! I do! I know Robson Green!

Well, that's really interesting. (No it sodding well isn't) How do you know him?

- I saw him in the Metro Centre and went up and spoke to him. Now, he's a proper actor. He has to learn lines. Not like most of the actors on television.

Errrr - - surely all actors who speak have to learn lines? (I know now that I am going to spend the rest of my life in this conversation but I have lost the will to live and so a weary resignation hath come upon me)

- Oh no. Only the ones in the main roles, like Robson Green. The rest just make up their lines around the main actors. Only one or two in every programme have to learn lines. The rest are just making them up.

Well, that's really fascinating and I am only surprised that I didn't know it. And now I have to go and throw myself into the sea. Goodbye.

I went and found one tiny place where the 3G connection on my laptop worked. And I checked my email every day, so there. And every time the hotel owner saw me all week, I pointed wordlessly into the distance and ran there.

And now I'm going to pack my suitcase.