Puzzled

Years ago, on ITV at seven o'clock, there was The Krypton Factor.

Four people competed in several rounds of what can best be described as Horrid Things That Are Found in IQ Tests. What they refer to as "mental agility". Add up the number in the red triangle and subtract the number in the blue square and multiply it with the number in the yellow octagon. Put all these shapes in the grid so that there's a square, a circle, a triangle, a star and a rhombus in every direction. That kind of thing. The sort of thing that people who belong to Mensa like to do twelve of before breakfast.

Then there was an assault course, a proper Army one. And a general knowledge round. And some three-dimensional puzzles.

Whoever won each heat then went into the semi-final and then into the final and was the Krypton Factor Winner. Hurrah.

Apart from the general knowledge, at which I'm generally pretty good, I hate the idea of doing any of it. Three-dimensional puzzles are my particular target of loathing. No, no, no and no.

But I used to love watching other people try. And now they've brought back the programme, I'm loving it again. I watch with amazed fascination as the contestants are presented with a hideously complicated puzzle. Instead of doing the obvious thing, which is to jump up and down on it and cry, they just beaver away at it until it's done.

They suffer their way along the assault course and then say how fantastic they feel when they've done it. I wouldn't. I'd just feel a failure. Though I quite fancy having a go on the rope slide.

Of course, most people who enter are blokes because more men than women love geeky puzzles and assault courses.

I wish they'd invent a quiz programme for me. The only one I know I'd be good at would be where you just have to spell words. In fact, there was one a few years ago and I was shouting along enthusiastically and the only word I got wrong in the whole thing was "minuscule" which I had never seen written down so assumed was "miniscule." I know better now.

Some people can do puzzles: I can't. I can't do crosswords - my brain just doesn't work in that way. I certainly can't do anagrams - if you write the word "rotcar" and tell me it's a pointy orange vegetable I'll still have to think about it and if you give me no clue I will see it as "rotcar" for ever.

But I can do spelling. If I see a word once, I've generally got it for ever. I can't be proud of this because it's not something I've ever had to work at.

So the ideal TV quiz for me to take part in would be Who Wants to Become a Millionaire By Spelling Lots of Words.

Yes! Yes! I do!

Okay, now I've told you all that I'd better check there aren't any spelling mistakes in this post. I'll cover myself by saying that if you do find one, it's probably delibarate.